FINISHED.

My Bug. My Tears.

So here I am at work and Judy gives me job she needs help with. She gave me a pile of 100 calenders and I had to go to the mail room and put them in all the county mailboxes. Not exciting right? Wrongo!

So I am stuffing each box...bored as usual....and I look across the room and what do I see??? A HUGE BLACK BUG! Now- let me just say I hate bugs and really get freaked out by little crawling things (No, I have no clue how I made it in Costa Rica). So what do I do in this moment I ask myself?!?!? Do I get Becca in the 4-H office to rescue me? I mean she kills all the apartment bugs. Do I call 911!?! Do I cry, scream, faint?  This gross bug is crawling closer and closer to me and I feel like I am being cornered by a monster in a small room!!!!!So...... I did the only thing I could do. I KICKED the bug!!! So at this point I felt really good about my life and pretty good about being able to show that bug whats up. "Yep I am the human and you are not!" Well....then I got a closer look at the bug while it was flipped over on its back unable to move and I noticed it had some massive pinchers on it! Few!! Let me just say I was so glad I kicked it over because all I could think about was me getting my head chopped off. So I turned around, the bug still flailing its legs and arms in the air, and continued to stuff the boxes. Man, then something changed in me. I don't know what happened but I couldn't even work anymore because all I could do was think about the poor bug! MAN! So...I turned around and flipped the little guy over after telling the bug to stay away from me (I might have even said it out loud....) and let him go. It was so weird...I almost started to get a little tear in my eye because I just couldn't believe I bullied an animal.

So.....I let the little guy go and turned around once again and then continued to work....when all of a sudden....

CRUNCCCCH!!!!!!!!!! I STEPPED ON HIM!!!

I was so afraid to look down because I knew I would see my friend. Now- personally I think he was coming back to bite me in the ankle for all I did to him but I told him to stay away from me and this is what happens when bugs don't listen to what I tell them to do. I had a rush of emotions...which ultimately ended with alot of sadness. I felt like Jack on Lost when he was trying to save Charlie in Series 1 because I tried to revive the bug to the best of my abilities...but in the end....

I lost him.........

Currently Listening Beyond Measure By Jeremy Camp see related

I heard this beautiful song today on the radio while I was getting ready for work. It was called "Whatever Your Doing".

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

(Chorus)
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

(Chorus)

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly

So beautiful and perfect. I have no idea what the Lord is doing in my life right now- but i know its so wonderful  in spite of all the fusteration and tears that I have had this past month dealing with my vocal cords. Im comming to grips with not being able to sing and finding that true worship is a attitude of the heart. Last night I played my guitar for the first time since I was in Alpena and Brenten recored my song for me. Hum....such an interesting flip in circumstances. I hope month from now I will look back and see how the Lord used me for something bigger than myself and it brought Him so much glory.

.....what else...

OH! I have about 1/3 of the support I need for the next year at the Honor Academy. I still need to do a fundraiser to raise a chunk of funds for before I leave a for a chunk of funds to have for living costs. Im confident in the Lords provision and so excited about doing this. I really belive this next year will challange and grow me so much and will point me to the cross more than anything....

Another thought..........

I have not painted since high school but last night I was really frusterated at not being able to sing and since I really needed a creative outlet I broke out my paints. I had this picture in my mind over the past few days of a heart and I know its the Lord reminding me that He sees my heart. Its a been a new lesson that worship is about the heart not the voice I make. I spent some time worshiping the Lord as I painted and wrote the first line from the song "The heart of worship" on the canvas- "when the music fades...". I didn't really like it till this morning when I thought about it. I just love that line. Its so true that beyond the music and beyond the noise is my heart and the Lord sees it. I desire so much that my heart would be pure as i worship the Lord and I really don't think I will be as effective in leading people in worship unless my heart is pure....

Speaking of worship- Josh- this person that has been calling me and talking to me about the school of worship called me yesterday. i've been kind of dreading the conversation because I knew it would be so hard for me to to tell him that I am unsure if I will even be able to audition. I cried (and I hope he didn't know...). It was hard because it felt real at the moment and in my heart I was so sad to know that something I have wanted to do for so long might now be able to happen. I was still encouraged by the way he reminded me that as long as I am in the Lords will I can't fail. Plus, he encouraged me that I will still be able to go to HA and be an intern and that I will still be blessed and able to give glory to the Lord either way.

An encouraging piece of news though....I was able to move up my apt. with the throat specialist from May 21st to this Friday! Praise Jesus!